I sat in the tiny office wearing the thin gown and laying on the small examining table. I glanced around the room noticing the "No Cell Phones" sign, the neatly organized wooden sticks, q-tips, and gloves displayed by the sink on the counter. My eyes glanced over to my pile of clothes carelessly tossed onto the mauve leather chair, and I wondered how many women neatly folded their piles. Oh well. I was nervous. My yearly exams always bothered me, and as much as I loved my OBGYN, it was still not something I looked forward to. Ever.
I was relieved when my doctor arrived in the room. I hadn't seen her since she delivered my daughter five years ago. Her demeanor was always pleasant, easy, down-to-earth, and that's why I stuck with her. She had a way of calming my nerves and answering all of my ridiculously detailed questions, and with patience! The exam began and I did everything I could to relax. I described in detail my experience with heavy periods, pain, and side effects of birth control. She listened and decided to do an internal ultra sound to see what, if anything was going on. She discovered fibroids and a condition called adenomyosis, which basically means that the tissue growing on the uterine lining had invaded the muscular walls of my uterus.
I'll spare you all the details of this particular office visit, because I want to get to the part about the hysterectomy. Yes, that's what I said- hysterectomy. Let me paint a picture of my emotional relationship with the medical world. I am a trained elementary school teacher and writer with heavy interest in art, nature, and chocolate. I have never taken Human Anatomy, never had surgery, and my knees give way at the sight of blood or even the thought of a needle sucking out my very life! I know, I know...it's a bit dramatic, right? But my first experience with a doctor was at the age of 3 when I needed stitches. I physically fought off the doctor and his nurses and my parents as a three year old feisty child, and I won! I have a war scar on my hand to prove it. What I'm saying is, the word "surgery" has a knee-weakening, faint-inviting, gag-reflexing affect on my body. So when my doctor explained that having a Total hysterectomy with bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy (Remove my uterus and fallopian tubes, but leave my ovaries) was the best course of action, I did what I usually do- I put a smile on my face, blocked my feelings, and walked out the door without really thinking too much about it.
I don't recommend this coping method, but I'm working on it myself. I got home and began reading the paperwork. I had a million questions and felt shock. My brain went blank. I'm only 38 years old. This is good, right? Or is this bad? I consulted Google for about 30 seconds, but couldn't stomach the details or the what if's. I called my husband. I started crying. My body was responding in tears, while my mind responded in logic. I called my mom. She sounded worried. I called my sister. She started bawling. Suddenly, I was faced with a rush of many, many thoughts and emotions that I didn't know were there. Then I went to that deep place inside of myself and hid. This may sound strange to you, but I'm not sure how else to explain it. Or maybe it doesn't, and sometimes you visit that place in the deepest part of you, too.
For the next several days, my heart felt so down, depressed, and I didn't understand why, especially since I wasn't planning on having any more biological children. I called my friend who explained that I was probably grieving and it was ok. Although the procedure hadn't happened yet, I was mourning the loss of an organ that classified me as a woman, that held my three babies, and that was responsible for giving me a somewhat routine period. Although I detested my periods, I found myself thinking about all of the details of my monthly-ish rhythms- the breakouts, the brownie cravings, the bloating, the exhaustion, and the constant reminder that I wasn't pregnant. I felt grateful for the work of my uterus. I found myself reminiscing on the births of my children and thanking God for allowing me to experience something as beautiful and painful as childbirth. After about a week, I moved from grieving to becoming a nervous wreck at the thought of the doctor making incisions, although small, in my body and sutures. Instead of researching the procedure, I avoided it like I avoid snakes. Ew!
My surgery was scheduled a couple weeks before Christmas. The doctor said I would need two weeks minimum off of work, but my doer brain heard, "You'll be pretty much better in a week and completely better in two." I didn't tell many people that I was undergoing surgery due to privacy reasons, and the fact that I often imagine myself as Wonder Woman (See my WW post here). Plus, I was nervous. Just plain nervous.
On the day of the surgery, everything went as it should. Pain medication was given to me to help with mobility, and I was sent home the same day. I'm not going to lie- I had so much pain even with the pain meds. I had trouble standing up straight, getting up, sitting down, going to the bathroom, and doing anything except for sleeping. I had a patch for nausea behind my ear that gave me double vision, which is very interesting when you are text messaging! For the first few days, I guess I was pretty hilarious. My family told me stories about me waking up from a snooze and saying things like, "Kids, whatever you do, don't go in the forest because there are sharp objects everywhere- EVERYWHERE!" While my husband was watching the news anchor who was explaining that the Democrats were united on a certain issue and so were the Republicans, I lifted my head and said, "That's good that they're united because... UNITED WE STAND!" Then back to sleep. I told my friend that I was VERY good at kayaking and would she trust me in a kayak and another friend that I couldn't stop thinking about the swirls on a sailboat. So, while I was needing a lot of care, apparently I was repaying everyone with a little comic relief.
Speaking of everyone, I can't even tell you how amazed I was that so many people voluntarily helped out my family and me during this time. At one time, I awoke to about 7 bouquets of flowers on my table. Meals were provided for three weeks. My friends came and cleaned my bathrooms, and I have three males in my house! I had visitors who brought me coffee, gifts, and treats. I had friends who sat by me for hours and listened and just cared for me. Even my children were rockstars! They helped me up, cleaned, and would pick up of the floor anything that I dropped or couldn't reach. Most of all- my husband was AMAZING. He ran the whole household and got me ice for my pain, arranged playdates for the kids, cooked, cleaned, and encouraged me and loved me daily. I am overwhelmed with the kindness of these people. I didn't even know so many of them cared.
Why am I writing about this? If you've gotten this far, the reason for my rambling is to help you if you are facing a possible hysterectomy or know someone who is. They are different for everybody, and this is just my personal story. Here are a few things to think about if you decide a hysterectomy is for you.
10 Ways to Prepare for A Total Hysterectomy With Bilateral Salpingo-Oophorectomy
1. Ask your doctor lots and lots of questions. It's okay. It's your body and you will want to know.
2. Purchase or borrow nightgowns- pants hurt! If you get cold easily, leg warmers and a robe might be a good idea. Oh yeah- and loose underwear.
3. What should you wear to the hospital? Very loose clothing and underwear that's loose.
4. Pre-arrange for childcare and even pet care- you won't be able to think about those details after surgery if you're given medication. Don't be afraid to ask for playdates or overnights.
5. Give yourself permission to grieve and mourn the loss of a very beautiful part of your life. Live in the grieving until your heart heals. It could happen before, during, and after the hysterectomy. I still have moments, and it's perfectly okay.
6. Arrange for meals. I didn't think I was going to need them, but I couldn't believe how helpful they were! My husband was also grateful that he didn't have to meal plan.
7. You won't be driving for awhile. It took me two and a half weeks to feel comfortable driving, but everyone is different.
8. Set aside your "To Do's" and embrace the opportunity for rest. Prepare a Spotify playlist of your favorite tunes to listen to in case you have double vision, like me. Listen to Podcasts.
9. Accept help when it is offered and don't be afraid to voice your needs. Say please and thank you, and remember that this time of healing and recovery is just temporary, but very much needed.
10. Most important: There is never a good time for a hysterectomy. It's most likely always inconvenient. So if or when it is time for yours, spend time talking it over with Jesus. Tell Him all your worries, fears, wishes, opinions, and ask Him what He wants from you. Focus on His goodness, and be grateful for everything.
It took me about 8 weeks to not be in pain and 12 weeks to begin feeling like myself again. At my six week appointment, my doctor told me that I would have another 2-3 months of full recovery. A lot of people asked me why it took so long, so I asked my doctor. I did have a few minor complications including incisions not healing and internal swelling, but I also have three young children that I take care of. What was difficult for me is that some of my closest friends didn't understand what I was internally going through. A lot of healing needs to take place, and that healing isn't visible. So, be patient with people and their remarks. Feel free to say something kind but straight to the point like, "My body is healing and I'm listening to it. I don't expect you to understand what I'm going through. I would just appreciate your patience with me until I'm back to myself." And then do just that- listen to your body, be grateful for the time you have to live at a slower pace, and take advantage of rest and healing. You will get back to yourself. It's just going to take time.
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